Day 84: 20 July 2017
Friday, 20 July 2018 12:08

On my bucket list I have: ‘No.7: Stand-Up Comedy’. Here’s how I hope it will pan out: Enters stage to loud applause, moves to card table, does familiar Tommy Cooper laugh. (beckons audience to increase applause, looks around) ‘Thank you; have we got time for more? (reaches for fez, places on head, looks stupid) ‘Who am I? (doesn’t wait for an answer, repeats the laugh) ‘How come whenever they build a new petrol station, they always find petrol underneath?’ (dithers aimlessly at card table, picks up items, puts them down, disorganised/flustered; holds arm up high, pumps it up and down in air) ‘Went to the doctor, told him it hurts when I do this’. Doctor said, Well, don’t do it!’ (drops arm, repeats signature laugh again) ‘Was in the dentist waiting room, reading the magazines. Wasn’t it awful about the Titanic?’ (looks at card table, picks up paddle-and-ball, puts them down again. Laughs.) ‘Dentist said my teeth were all right. Gums need to come out.’ (looks around, as if looking for ideas to entertain the audience, pats his pockets.) ‘A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder. He says to the barman, “Give me a beer – and one for the road”.’ (picks up paddle and ball attached by a piece of rope; drops ball and tries to flick it up onto the paddle; it doesn’t work; has a second try, then a third; frustrated, he throws paddle back on table) ‘Last night I dreamt I was eating a five kilo marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.’ ‘A woman told her doctor she had a bad back. Doctor told her it was old age. She said she wanted a second opinion. ‘Okay, you’re ugly as well.’ Ends.